After four decades of sprinting, jumping off cliffs, hanging off airplanes, and politely declining the aging process, Tom Cruise has finally earned his first Oscar. An honorary one. Yes, Hollywood has essentially said, “Look, you’ve cheated death enough times. Here’s a statue. Please stop dangling from stuff.”
To be fair, Cruise has been nominated before, but the Academy has historically looked at his filmography and gone, “Hmm… brilliant acting… but also… explosions.” Now they’ve decided to fix that by giving him an award that says, “You’re amazing, but not competitive-category amazing.”
Still, this is huge for the man who made running in a straight line an Olympic-level sport. Cruise fans are cheering. Scientologists are high-fiving. And somewhere, an insurance company is quietly weeping, knowing the stunts are only going to get bigger.
So congrats to Tom Cruise, winner of an Oscar that says, “Congrats on everything except actually winning an Oscar.” But honestly? He’s probably just going to use it as a prop in his next action scene… and then jump out of a helicopter with it.
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