Here’s something nobody asked for… well I’m sure some people did but not enough.
Fun fact, The US Government keeps a running tally of emergency room visits involving foreign objects. Buried inside that data (no pun intended, but also… come on) is a category that never fails to make me beam with curiosity: Items removed from people’s rectums.
The Numbers Don’t Lie (But They Do Raise Eyebrows)
Medical journals have been documenting this trend for decades (They freaky freaky). A study published in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine estimated nearly 39,000 hospital visits per year are related to rectal foreign bodies.
Most patients? DUDES OF COURSE IT’S DUDES. YOU CANNOT TELL ME YOU’RE SHOCKED.
So… Like… What Actually Ended Up in There?
Well I’ll tell you. Pulled from government data and emergency medicine case studies, here are the top 25 “okay you can’t just slip and fall on this one” items!
- A FULL shampoo bottle (I guess conditioner was too expensive)
- A Baseball (I can’t even think of how this one works and honestly I don’t want to)
- A Corn Cob Holder (OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW)
- A Turkey Baster (DIY Enema?)
- A Wine Stopper (Better than a wine bottle I guess)
- A Plastic Cleaner bottle filled with liquid (I know it’s bad to ingest cleaners but surely this is just as bad)
- Eyeglasses (NOPE STOP NOTHING WITH GLASS NOPE)
- A Rock (I hate humans)
- Two Pencils (I guess one wasn’t enough? They better NOT have been sharpened)
- A Vape Pen (Okay hear me out… If vape came out of his mouth it would have been the greatest party trick of all time)
- A Flashlight (Okay hear me out… If light came out of his mouth it would have been the greatest party trick of all time)
- A Battery-Powered Light (See comment above)
- A Film Canister (Let’s hope it wasn’t an IMAX film canister)
- A Rectangular Travel Toothbrush (Taking cavity search literally)
- A Dog Chew Toy (I’ve heard of Doggystyle but this is just ridiculous)
- Uncooked Pasta (Uncooked pasta breaks if you look at it so NO)
- An Egg (Hahahahaha)
- Marbles (Let’s NOT do multiples of tiny objects. K?)
- A Sandal (This one makes less sense than the baseball. Like HOW? And WHY?)
- A Doorknob (Knock Knock? Who’s There? Not The Doorknob. Not The Doorknob Who? Exactly, That’s The Problem)
- Beard Clippers (This is why I just go for the Brazilian Wax)
- A Light Bulb (I ALREADY SAID NOTHING WITH GLASS. IT IS SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN YOU CAN’T TAKE A LIGHTBULB OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WITHOUT IT SHATTERING AND YOU’RE CHOOSING TO DO THAT WITH YOUR BUTT????????)
- A Plastic Coat Hanger (I’m just going to assume they had a butt cast and got itchy)
- A Corn-Cob Style Pipe (DAMN! FROSTY THE SNOWMAN A FREAK)
- A Thermos (Insulation x2)
Conclusion
STOP PUTTING THINGS UP YOUR BUTT! IT’S NOT WORTH IT!
LET’S LEAVE PUTTING THINGS IN OUR BEHINDS, BEHIND IN 2025.
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